I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Nice try, NASA
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*