Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.