[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You Might Also Like
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
There’s never enough good news
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.