*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.