If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”