I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I can’t be the only one 😂
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Sunday
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself