I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.