I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You Might Also Like
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Banana is the quietest snack
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks