Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
You Might Also Like
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
emergency phone
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.