Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Stop sending me this shit.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.