Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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Birds & Planes.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.