If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.