I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Oh no
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”