if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I’m not wrong
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts