My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If only.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”