My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble