My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
What even happened today?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
accurate
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.