Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.