[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Botany good plants lately?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.