Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.