Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me