[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
You Might Also Like
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Safety first
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.