If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Unexpected Judgment
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
good work, everybody
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”