One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Breaking news:
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.