Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
In banana years, I am bread.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.