For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.