Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
You Might Also Like
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!