Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.