If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE