If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no