bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
TODAY
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Breaking news:
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
This is a true ally.