I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The funk soul brother
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’d hang this in my house.