Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
When ur friends with white people
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.