Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW