Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I cannot stop laughing at this
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
waiting for halloween be like:
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair