“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Morning.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
me and the Superbowl rn