The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
a badder mouse
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.