ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I think my mom just blocked me
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.