I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.