My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-