What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.