As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.