My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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this is literally a CIA plant
watergate? u mean a dam??
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
monday
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
just pretend nothing happened
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.