“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
This one’s “Alex”.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru