girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Every work meeting this week
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you