Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?