I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself