There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Hero horse inspires millions
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me and my fake scenarios
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back