According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]