[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”